Poetry Month took a quick break this past weekend because the Muse was off whispering inspiration into the ears of the world’s rappers, or whatever she does when she’s not helping me. But she has returned to me today with an ode to Don, who supports Nights Around a Table at the $10 Medici level, and who used to go by the moniker “Big Deuce.” But these days you can find him on the Discord server as Don72, where he’s known for posting pictures of these huge, messy seafood broils that he feeds his family.
Don is an absolute legend. So here is the legend of Don.
The Legend of Big Deuce
Big Deuce sat at the captain’s table
Licked his chops, and fastened his bib
The crew all wondered if he was able
To win a bet, proving the cut of his jib
They brought him a bag of pure, steaming sea
Filled to the brim with mussels and cod
And lobsters and scallions all fresh from the quay
That the boys had hauled in with their nets and their rods.
They poured it all out on a big plastic tarp
Slathered in butter and fresh lemon squeeze
Tuna and swordfish and grouper and carp
Big Deuce fairly wept, and then dropped to his knees.
The wager, you see, was that Big Deuce could eat it
Devour the broil that the crew had just spilt
If one single morsel remained, he’s defeated
The captain would run Big Deuce through to the hilt.
He knelt there and gawped at the table, hands clenchin’
The captain’s cruel lips curled in bloodthirsty twist
The crew held their breath through the terrible tension
He furrowed his eyebrows and tightened his fists
It was simply too much for just one man to suffer
The ocean’s whole bounty on one single plate!
Mackerel and sea snails and scampi and puffer
Big Deuce bowed his head, and accepted his fate.
That fate, you should know, is the stuff of old fable
That mothers still tell to their children to frighten
For to see Big Deuce tearing right into that table
Caused your heartbeat to stop and your visage to whiten.
He ate all the bluefish, he ate all the crab
The salmon, the sardines, the squid, and the roe
He crammed it all in, cleared off the whole slab
The crew members shouted “He’s going to blow!”
But he waddled on over and ate every one
Adding turf to the surf in the depths of his gut
He ate up the captain, devoured him for fun
And swallowed his cutlass with nary a cut.
He chomped on the masts and he ate up the sails
Growing bigger and rounder with each cursed chew
He ate the whole ship, was now big as a whale
And floated to sea with a blood-curdling moo.
Now when you set sail on a warm summer night
And cast your net onto the water and pray
That you’ll catch just a morsel, a solitary bite
Take care that your boat’s not in Big Deuce’s way
He bobs in the ocean, still eating amok
Big as an island and shaped like a ball
If you want to catch seafood, you’re plumb out of luck
For Big Deuce has already eaten it all!
Come chat with Ryan!
Save those meeples
